Permanently Learned Skills

(All skills Hardcore Permanent unless otherwise noted.)

General

• Powers of Observatiogn (Passive)This skill makes you observant, like a very, very observant gnome. It increases the number of items you find when fighting monsters.
• Gnefarious Pickpocketing (Passive)This skill lets you gaffle a little bit more Meat from monsters you defeat.
• Torso Awaregness (Passive)This skill allows you to understand how to use the middle part of your body to wear things known as "shirts." (Or "bras", or "tops", as the case may be.) This skill also allows you to notice how many people around you haven't learned it yet.
• Gnomish Hardigness (Passive)This skill makes you hardy, like a gnome. A hardy gnome. A hardy boy gnome, or a hardy girl gnome. Doesn't really matter.
• Cosmic Ugnderstanding (Passive)Like a mystical, mystical gnome, you're more in touch with the Cosmos than most people are. And with the Redbooks.
• CLEESH (Combat Spell)By casting this spell, you can turn most any monster into a lissamphibian (think toad, salamander, et cetera), which will enable your cowardice to know no bounds.
• Really Expensive Jewelrycrafting (Passive)You're chock full of knowledge about expensive jewelry -- how to attractively affix precious gems to precious metals, how to cut gems to glistening perfection, how to exploit third-world miners to get the gems in the first place -- pretty much the whole shebang.
• Unaccompanied Miner (Passive)You've boned up on your mining skills, and learned a bunch of tricks of the trade. You are now able to mine without spending an Adventure up to 5 times per day.
• Fashionably Late (Passive)You've learned how to be exactly late enough that your tardiness has no negative consequences. The end result is that you'll have time for one extra Adventure every day.
• Natural Born Skeleton Killer (Passive)Due to expert field knowledge of skeletal anatomy, you are very good at killing skeletons and taking their sweet swords from them. If they happen to be carrying sweet swords. Which they are, just often enough to keep you interested in killing them.
• Mistress of the Surprising Fist (Passive)You have (at least in some past life) mastered the Way of the Surprising Fist. Your offensive and defensive prowess make your bare hands as effective in combat as a sword and a shield, but way easier to eat a banana with than a sword and shield would be.
• Summon "Boner Battalion" (Summoning Spell)You have learned the names of each of the members of Beta Omicron Nu, an entire house of fraternity orcs that was simultaneously wiped out in a tragic accident during the Times of Old, as well as the location of their secret burial grounds. This allows you to bind their mortal remains to your service for a short time.
  
  They come complete with the rusted but effective cast-iron paddles of their former trade, and entire ledgers of unfinished scores to settle with the living.
• Pinch Ghost (Combat Action)Through acquired knowledge of ectoplasmic anatomy, you've learned how to get a ghost's goat -- they positively hate being pinched!
• Request Sandwich (Noncombat Action)Boris the Beefy was one of the three archetypical elders whose deeds have shaped the present-day Kingdom of Loathing. "Make me a sandwich!" Boris would say, and somebody would immediately rush to do it. These days, though, you catch more flies with honey than you do with bulging biceps and threats of violence, so you'd better be polite about it.
• Frigidalmation (Summoning Spell)You have learned to channel the ancestral spirits of arctic dalmatians into a dalmatian made of ice.
• Silent Squirt (Combat Action)You have learned to liquefy silence and spray it at your enemies.
• Silent Slice (Combat Action)You never hear the one that gets you. Especially when the one that gets you is doing this.
• Transcendent Olfaction (Combat Action)You're really, really good at smelling things. So good, in fact, that once you've taken a good long whiff of a monster, you'll be able to track other monsters that smell the same as though you were some sort of... I dunno, some sort of monster tracker of some sort.

Seal Clubber

(Ed. Note: If you think this isn't a noble profession, you probably aren't acquainted with KoL Seals. Or what they're Seals of.)

• Lunging Thrust-Smack (Combat Action - Clubbing)This is a thrust-smack with a lunge added to it for good measure. If it connects, it will do triple weapon damage to your opponent.
• Super-Advanced Meatsmithing (Passive)You are a master (or mistress) of the Tenderizing Hammer. The echo of generations of Seal Clubbers reverberates in your muscles as you beat the meat into shape. Shapes, actually -- the shapes of powerful weapons.
• Rage of the Reindeer (Noncombat)This skill fills you with the rage of thousands of subjugated reindeer. This rage will make you stronger, especially when fighting guys with beards.
• Pulverize (Passive)This skill allows you to smash certain pieces of equipment (a term which here means "pretty much any random junk") into their magical essences with a tenderizing hammer.
• Double-Fisted Skull Smashing (Passive)This skill allows you to wield a one-handed weapon in each of your hands. It'll make it much easier for you to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the women.
• Northern Exposure (Passive)This skill allows you to remember your upbringing in the Frigid Northlands (even if this requires past-life regression). You'll be as snug as a bug in a rug, even when the wintry wind whips willy-nilly 'cross your nose. Think... the opposite of Sam McGee.
• Musk of the Moose (Noncombat)By concentrating very hard, you're able to exude moose musk from your pores. The smell of the musk will make you more likely to encounter monsters when adventuring.
• Snarl of the Timberwolf (Noncombat)This skill makes you all snarly and spooky. Like a timberwolf. Timberwolves, if you didn't know this, are both the snarliest and the spookiest animals north of the arctic circle.

Turtle Tamer

• Shieldbutt (Combat Action - Shield Use)We all know that a shield is primarily used to, y'know, shield one from damage. With this skill, though, your shield becomes a powerful weapon as well. Your attacks will do extra damage based on your shield strength. Just try and resist the urge to change into a blue leotard with little wings on the cowl.
• Armorcraftiness (Passive)This skill allows you to make advanced helmets and pants. Advanced pants. (And advanced stuff for that part of your body you keep forgetting about, too.)
• Wisdom of the Elder Tortoises (Passive)You have achieved a level of awareness that almost matches that of the Elder Tortoises in the Days of Old. Your maximum MP is dramatically increased.
• Astral Shell (Buff)This is a vastly improved version of the Ghostly Shell skill. It increases the amount of damage absorbed by your (or another player's) hat and pants in combat. Additionally, it will protect you (to a limited degree) from the elements of heat, cold, stench, spookiness, and sleaziness.
• Amphibian Sympathy (Passive)Being sympathetic to the ins and outs of the amphibian lifestyle makes you more sympathetic to the lifestyles of all creatures. Your familiars will be more sympathetic and more powerful as a result of your powerful sympathy.
• Cold-Blooded Fearlessness (Passive)Ever wonder why turtles never run? It's because they're not afraid of anything, man. This skill will make you more like them -- spooky stuff won't spook you as much.
• Hero of the Half-Shell (Passive)Your mastery of shields has elevated you to hero-like status amongst your tortoise brethren. Your skills have the beauty and balance of a Renaissance painting.
  As such, whenever you take damage in combat, your Muscle will be used to reduce the damage you take instead of Moxie, whenever you are wielding a shield. Whenever this is an improvement. Like, whenever.
• Tao of the Terrapin (Passive)Like hippies, turtles live in their clothes. Unlike hippies, turtles' clothes provide a hard protective shell for their sensitive innards. Well, unlike hippies who are only on day fifteen of a new outfit. You have sufficiently pondered the mystery of the turtle, whose clothes are both home and protection, to understand how to imbue your clothing with the same properties. As such, any hat or pants you equip will be doubled in power. Now go take a shower, hippy.
• Spectral Snapper (Combat Action)This skill allows you to summon the spirit of a deceased snapping turtle. Wherever you want. Like, clinging to whatever body part of whomever you want. And in a bad mood.

Pastamancer

• Pastamastery (Passive)This skill allows you to summon forth dry noodles from thin air, and to cook delicious food by combining them with sauces.
• Weapon of the Pastalord (Combat Spell)This spell will summon forth one of the myriad randomly-generated weapons of the Pastalord, the sworn protector of the order of Pastamancers in the Days of Old. That weapon will then beat your opponent about the head or head-analogue.
• Leash of Linguini (Noncombat)This spell allows you to call forth an enchanted leash made out of noodles, which is placed around the neck of your familiar. For whatever reason, this effectively raises your familiar's level until the noodles deteriorate.
• Cannelloni Cocoon (Noncombat Spell)This spell summons forth a huge Cannelloni, which envelops you and heals all of your wounds.
• Spirit of Rigatoni (Passive)This skill will give you the ability to equip Chefstaves -- powerful one-handed staves that act as conduits for advanced Chef-Magery.
• Spirit of Ravioli (Passive)This skill infuses your body with the essence of ravioli, making it much sturdier. It will increase your maximum HP by 25%.
• Tolerance of the Kitchen (Passive)They say that if you can't stand the heat, you should get out of the kitchen. Well, with this skill, you'll be able to stand the heat. Any heat.
• Flavour of Magic (Noncombat)This spell will allow you to bring your mystical being in line with the elemental forces that underlie all things: earth, wind, fire, water, and heart. Wait, I mean hot, cold, sleaze, stench, and spookiness. And what's the deal with 'heart' anyway? How does that make any sense at all?
  (Allows attunement to one (at a time) of the essences of cayenne, peppermint, garlic, wormwood, or bacon grease.)
• Transcendental Noodlecraft (Passive)You have achieved the highest possible level of Pastamancy -- you are now capable of making meals that rival the Platonic ideal of the dish of noodles.
• Fearful Fetucinni (Combat Spell)This spell summons a mass of fettucini noodles made not of semolina, or of farina, but of pure, uncut terror.

Sauceress

• Expert Panhandling (Passive)You've got mad skills at handling the (sauce)pan. This skill increases the amount of Meat you get when fighting monsters by 10%.
• Advanced Saucecrafting (Noncombat)This skill allows you to conjure and use Scrumptious Reagents, in combination with various food items, to cook up a wide variety of sauces and salves.
• Wave of Sauce (Combat Spell) This spell will conjure an immense wave of sauce, which will wash over your enemies and cleanse them from the face of the Cosmos.
• Intrinsic Spiciness (Passive) This skill makes you spicier, in general, than others. Your Sauce spells will do more damage to opponents.
• Jabañero Saucesphere (Buff Spell) This spell will summon a thick shell of extremely spicy sauce around you (or another player.) Any monster that passes through the shield will take damage. Additionally, any sauce spells that pass through the shell will return a portion of their MP to the caster.
• Saucegeyser (Combat Spell) This spell will call forth a tremendous geyser of Sauce from the ground at your enemy's feet. Few foes can withstand the savage combination of beating and drowning that this spell delivers.
• Impetuous Sauciness (Passive) You're as saucy as saucy can be. When you drink potions crafted with Scrumptious Reagents, their effects will last significantly longer for you than they do for normal people.
• Diminished Gag Reflex (Passive)Working with pungent sauces has increased your tolerance for bad smells -- stench-based attacks will be less effective against you. (Where did you think this was going?)
• Immaculate Seasoning (Passive)With this skill, your sauces will always be the perfect temperature for the occasion. That occasion more often than not being combat with a monster.
• The Way of Sauce (Passive)You know everything there is to know about the Saucerorin' business. You are capable of making the finest potions and sauces known to Saucerorkind.
• Scarysauce (Buff Spell)This spell coats you (or somebody else) with a writhing coating of sauce. But not any ordinary sauce -- sauce made of the very essence of fear. The overall effect is very spooky.

Disco Bandit

• Disco Aerobics (Buff)By disco dancing at your campsite, you can put yourself in a Disco State of Mind. Your Moxie will increase for a period of time.
• Disco Eye-Poke (Combat Action)In the course of your disco dancing, you can poke your opponent in the eye (or eye analogue,) doing a small amount of damage and throwing your opponent off guard.
• Nimble Fingers (Passive)Your mad looting skills will cause the amount of meat dropped by monsters to increase.
• Disco Dance of Doom (Combat Action)You can bust a disco move all up out the joint, damaging your opponent all the while.
• Mad Looting Skillz (Passive)This skill will increase the rate at your nimble fingers find items which the monsters you slay drop.
• Disco Nap (Noncombat)This skill allows you to take a quick Disco Nap, and heal some of your wounds. Your powerful napping skills will also allow you to rest at your campsite, once per day, without using up any time.
• Disco Dance II: Electric Boogaloo (Combat Action)This advanced form of the Disco Dance of Doom is sure to leave your enemies both smacked around and confused.
• Disco Fever (Passive)You've got the fever for the flavor of projectile pain. This skill makes you do significantly more damage with any ranged weapon. (Note: any musical instrument you know how to play counts as a ranged weapon.)
• Overdeveloped Sense of Self Preservation (Passive)You are acutely aware of the value of your own ass. This makes you less likely to be taken by surprise in combat, and increases your chances of successfully running away from a monster.
• Disco Power Nap (Noncombat)This is an improved version of the Disco Nap. It allows you to take even more powerful and invigorating naps, shrugging off afflictions such as poison, tetanus, and socialismydia, and lets you rest in your campsite an additional 2 times per day without using up any time.
• Disco Face Stab (Combat Action)This is a vastly improved version of the Disco Eye Poke. Instead of poking your opponent in the eye, you stab him (or her, or it) in the face. This is sure to cause him (or her, or it) some problems.
• Advanced Cocktailcrafting (Noncombat)This skill focuses your disco groove into the ability to make special high-quality cocktails, and scrounge up various garnishes for same.
• Ambidextrous Funkslinging (Passive)Each of your hands is capable of slinging just as much funk as the other. This effectively doubles the rate at which you can sling funk when you're slung way down in the funkslinging kind of a funk.
• Heart of Polyester (Passive)You're simply too cool for school -- all manner of sleazy advances and come-ons slide off you like oil off a flying fish's back, or something like that.
• Smooth Movement (Noncombat)This skill allows you to more stealthily sneak from shadow to shadow, and makes you less likely to encounter monsters while adventuring.
• Superhuman Cocktailcrafting (Passive)Your drink mixing skills are beyond the ken of mere mortals. Spirits kneel before you as mixers quiver in your shadow. Pretty dramatic, eh?
• Tango of Terror (Combat Debuff - Group)This dance evokes feelings of dread in all who behold it. Not because you're a bad dancer, no, but because it is a bad dance. A macabre dance. An evil dance.
• Suckerpunch (Combat Action)Have you ever been punched in the stomach when you were least expecting it? If so, aren't you itching for revenge? This skill will let you get it.
• Stealth Mistletoe (Combat Action)You've pilfered a lot of things in your day, but none of them are as sweet as the kisses this skill will let you steal.
• Kung Fu Hustler (Passive)You're an expert in 1970s movie martial arts. Your hands and feet are so deadly you don't even need weapons.
  (While consistently fighting unarmed, you gradually accumulate the intrinsic effects Kung Fu Fighting, Fast as Lightning, A Little Bit Frightening, and Expert Timing.)

Accordion Thief

• Aloysius' Antiphon of Aptitude (Buff Song)This song makes it so you (or another player) learn more from your combat experiences, and gain more stats from battles.
• The Moxious Madrigal (Buff Song)Hearing this song will fill you (or somebody else) with great Moxie.
• The Polka of Plenty (Buff Song)This song will fill you (or somebody else) with greed, and make more Meat drop from monsters in combat.
• Fat Leon's Phat Loot Lyric (Buff Song)Upon hearing this song, the listener will be imbued with superior looting skills - monsters will drop items more frequently in combat.
• The Psalm of Pointiness (Buff Song)And lo, unto the audience shall be conjured an aura of pointiness, and verily shalt those who attack the audience be poked as though with legion pointy objects.
• Stevedave's Shanty of Superiority (Buff Song)This song will impart upon its listener a sense of righteous indignation. This indignation will manifest as a 10% increase in all of the listener's stats.
• The Ode to Booze (Buff Song)This is the best song ever. Whoever hears this song will gain a remarkable ability to drink, and will gain more adventures from alcoholic beverages.
• The Sonata of Sneakiness (Buff Song)Hearing this song will imbue the listener with astounding obfuscative abilities, and make them less likely to encounter monsters while adventuring.
• Carlweather's Cantata of Confrontation (Buff Song)Hearing this song will increase the listener's production of anger pheromones. Monsters will be more attracted to them.
• Ur-Kel's Aria of Annoyance (Buff(?) Song)This song generates an aura of intense annoyingness around anyone who hears it. The aura makes monsters want to hit the possessor much, much harder.
• Dirge of Dreadfulness (Buff(?) Song)This song is depressing. Not in a melancholy, I-haven't-heard-this-since-way-back-when way, but in a soul-crushing hopelessness way. Seriously. Sad, sad song.
• Sing (Combat Action)You know that thing from old commercials where somebody sings and breaks a champagne glass? This skill lets you do that, except with skulls.